Emotions can feel like powerful waves—unpredictable, overwhelming, and sometimes even scary. But just like a surfer learns to ride the waves rather than fight them, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches us how to navigate our emotions without getting swept away.
You can’t stop the ocean, and you can’t stop feelings from coming, but you can learn to ride them. And as a friend once said, “The only thing you can control is what color bathing suit you’re going to wear on the surfboard.”
There are five essential steps to riding the wave of your emotions: recognizing the wave, staying on the board, keeping your balance, riding it out, and reaching the shore. Along the way, think about your own real-life examples to help put these skills into practice.
Step 1: Recognize The Wave (Identify The Emotion)
Before you can ride the wave, you have to see it coming. That means identifying what you’re feeling without judgment.
- Example: You’re about to give a presentation, and your stomach is in knots. You feel shaky and want to run.
- What to do: Instead of ignoring or pushing away the feeling, pause and name it: “This is anxiety.” Simply acknowledging it gives you a sense of control and makes it less overwhelming.
Recognizing emotions without judgment is the first step to reducing their intensity. Naming them creates psychological distance, helping you shift from reacting impulsively to responding thoughtfully. It also allows you to begin using strategies to manage the emotion rather than letting it take over.
Step 2: Stay On The Board (Accept & Observe)
Fighting against a strong wave just makes it harder to stay afloat. Instead of resisting, practice radical acceptance—acknowledge the feeling and let it be.
- Example: You catch yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way!” or “I have to make this stop.”
- What to do: Remind yourself, “This is just a wave. I don’t have to like it, but I can ride it.”
- Skill to use: Mindful observation—notice where you feel the emotion in your body without trying to change it.
Accepting emotions rather than fighting them helps reduce their intensity. It takes away their power and prevents you from getting stuck in a cycle of resistance and frustration. By observing them mindfully, you allow them to come and go without being overwhelmed.
Step 3: Keep Your Balance (Use Mindfulness & Coping Skills)
This is where you engage your DBT skills to prevent the wave from knocking you over.
- Example: Your heart is racing before a difficult conversation, and you’re tempted to lash out or avoid it altogether.
- What to do: Use distress tolerance techniques like:
- Paced breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold for four, exhale for six.
- Grounding techniques: Notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
Use practical tools to keep yourself steady in the middle of an emotional wave. Coping skills like paced breathing and grounding techniques engage the body’s natural relaxation response, making it easier to remain present and prevent emotional overwhelm.
Step 4: Ride It Out (Let the Emotion Peak & Fall)
Every wave has a peak and a fall. Your emotions are the same—if you let them, they will naturally rise and then fade.
- Example: You’re in the middle of an argument, and you feel the urge to slam the door or say something hurtful.
- What to do: Pause and remind yourself: “If I ride this out, the intensity will pass. I don’t have to act on every emotion.”
- Skill to use: TIPP (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive muscle relaxation) to help the body regulate emotions faster.
Riding out an emotion instead of reacting impulsively strengthens emotional resilience. When you allow an emotion to crest and fall without acting on it, you learn that emotions are temporary, and you don’t have to be controlled by them. Over time, this builds confidence in your ability to handle distress.
Step 5: Reach the Shore (Reflect & Move Forward)
Once the wave has passed, take a moment to reflect on how you handled it and what you learned.
- Example: After a stressful day, you realize you didn’t react impulsively, even though you felt like it.
- What to do: Acknowledge your success—”I rode that wave, and I’m okay.” This builds confidence for next time.
- Skill to use: Self-validation—recognize the effort it took to stay present and navigate your emotions effectively.
Reaching the shore means taking time to recognize your progress. Reflection helps reinforce emotional resilience, making it easier to trust yourself when the next wave comes. Validating your efforts strengthens your ability to manage future challenges with more confidence and self-compassion.
What’s The Alternative?
The truth is, emotions are part of being human. You can’t avoid them, and suppressing them only makes them stronger. The alternative to riding the wave is getting caught in it—panicking, fighting, or numbing out. But when you choose to ride the wave, you build emotional resilience, self-trust, and confidence in your ability to handle life’s ups and downs.