I was absolutely convinced my friend was mad at me.
She hadn’t responded to my text for hours, and I could feel the anxiety creeping in. My brain started filling in the blanks: She’s ignoring me on purpose. Maybe I said something wrong. Maybe she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.Before I knew it, I was spiraling—feeling hurt, embarrassed, even a little angry.
Then, hours later, she finally texted back. Sorry! Work was crazy today. What’s up?
Just like that, the emotional storm in my head cleared. No drama, no grudge—just a busy friend who hadn’t seen my message.
So what happened here? My emotions felt completely real, but they weren’t based on facts. They were based on assumptions, fueled by past experiences and insecurities. This is exactly where Check the Facts, a DBT superskill, can help.
When Your Feelings Take Over
Have you ever been caught in a wave of emotion, only to realize later that your feelings didn’t quite match reality? Maybe you felt rejected when no rejection actually happened, or assumed the worst about a situation without checking whether your fears were true.
Check the Facts, a DBT key skill, is designed for those moments. Learning how to use the Check the Facts skill helps you pause, step back, and ask: Does my emotion actually fit the facts of this situation?
Checking The Facts
Emotions are powerful. They can shape how we see the world, influence our decisions, and even rewrite our memories. But here’s the tricky part, if you don’t manage your emotions, they can do funny things:
- They don’t always reflect reality.
- They are often based on thoughts and interpretations, not just facts.
- Those interpretations can be biased, exaggerated, or shaped by past experiences.
Think of it like wearing tinted glasses—your emotions can color how you see a situation, sometimes making it seem much darker or more dangerous than it really is.
Two common emotional pathways:
- Event → Thoughts → Emotions
A coworker doesn’t say good morning → You think they’re mad at you → You feel anxious. - Event → Emotions → Thoughts
You wake up feeling sad for no reason → Your brain looks for a cause → You decide something must be wrong.
Without fact-checking, emotions can snowball into unnecessary distress. But if you slow down and check whether your emotions match reality, you can respond in a way that’s more balanced and less overwhelming.
What Skills Can I Use To Determine If My Thoughts & Feelings Are Justified?
A. Identify the Emotion You Want to Change
- Before you can fact-check, you need to name what you’re feeling.
- Example: “I feel rejected” vs. “I feel disappointed” → These emotions can have different causes and solutions.
B. Describe the Facts of the Situation
- Separate facts from assumptions.
- Facts = What an unbiased observer would see or hear.
- Assumptions = The meaning you attach to those facts.
- Example:
Fact: “My friend hasn’t replied in 6 hours.”
Assumption: “They must be mad at me.”
C. Challenge Your Interpretations
- Ask yourself:
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Is there another possible explanation?
Would I assume the same thing if I was in a different mood? - Example:
Interpretation: “My boss didn’t say good morning. She must be mad at me.”
Alternative Explanations:
She was distracted.
She didn’t see me.
She’s dealing with something unrelated to me.
D. Assess the Probability of the Threat or Outcome
- Ask yourself:
“How likely is it that the worst-case scenario will happen?”
“Has something like this happened before, and how did it turn out?”
“What evidence do I have that supports this fear?” - Example:
Situation: You make a small mistake at work and feel like you’ll be fired.
Reality Check: “People make mistakes all the time. No one has ever been fired at my company for this.”
E. Compare Emotion vs. Facts
- Does the intensity of my emotion match the actual facts?
- If no:
Your emotion might be based on past experiences, assumptions, or fears rather than reality. - Example:
Emotion: Feeling furious because a friend canceled dinner.
Fact: They had a last-minute emergency.
Mismatch: The intensity of the anger doesn’t match the actual situation.
F. Use Wise Mind to Find Balance
- Reasonable Mind: Logic, facts, problem-solving.
- Emotion Mind: Impulsivity, gut reactions, feelings-based thinking.
- Wise Mind: The balance between the two—using emotions while staying grounded in reality.
Example:
Reasonable Mind: “I have no reason to be upset; they canceled for a valid reason.”
Emotion Mind: “I’m hurt. They don’t value me.”
Wise Mind: “I feel disappointed, and that’s okay. But I know they care about me and had a real reason to cancel.”
IV. How Do You Know When Your Feelings Are ‘Valid’?
- All feelings are valid in that they exist—but they aren’t always accurate reflections of reality.
- A feeling is justified when:
It matches the actual facts of a situation.
It fits the severity of the event. - Feelings may be intense but unjustified if they come from:
Past trauma or negative experiences.
Cognitive distortions (e.g., catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking).
Assumptions rather than facts. - Example:
Feeling: “I feel worthless because I made a mistake at work.”
Fact Check: “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean I’m worthless. People make mistakes and learn from them.”
V. Practicing Check The Facts In Real Life
Example 1: Social Anxiety Situation
- Situation: You walk into a room, and people stop talking.
- Initial Thought: “They were talking about me.”
- Emotion: Embarrassment, shame.
- Checking the Facts:
What did I actually observe? → People stopped talking.
What are other explanations? → They finished their conversation, changed topics, or it had nothing to do with me.
What’s the probability they were talking about me? → Very low.
Example 2: Relationship Conflict
- Situation: Your partner hasn’t texted you all day.
- Initial Thought: “They’re pulling away from me. They don’t care.”
- Emotion: Anxiety, sadness.
- Checking the Facts:
Fact: They haven’t texted.
Assumption: They’re ignoring me.
Alternative Explanations: They’re busy, their phone died, they needed a break.
Wise Mind Response: “I feel anxious, but I don’t have enough evidence to assume they don’t care.”
Emotions Are Messengers, Not Absolute Truths
Emotions are a part of being human—they give us important information about the world, our needs, and our relationships. But emotions are also shaped by thoughts, past experiences, and even how the situations around us get interpreted. That means sometimes, what we feel isn’t necessarily the whole truth.
Think back to a time when you were completely certain that someone was upset with you, or that something terrible was going to happen—only to find out later that your fears weren’t true. In the moment, those emotions felt real and overwhelming. But once you had all the information, the distress faded.
That’s why Check the Facts is such a powerful skill. It doesn’t tell you to ignore your feelings—it teaches you how to slow down, assess the situation, and make sure your emotions are actually working for you, not against you. It helps you stop a spiral before it takes over, so you can respond with clarity instead of reacting based on fear, assumptions, or worst-case scenarios.
Like any DBT skill, this takes practice. At first, fact-checking your emotions might feel unnatural—especially when you’re in the middle of strong feelings. But over time, it becomes second nature. You start catching yourself before emotions hijack your thoughts. You learn to pause and ask, Wait, do I actually have enough evidence to support this feeling?
The more you practice, the more control you gain over your emotions—not by suppressing them, but by making sure they’re serving you in a way that’s actually useful. And that’s what emotional resilience is all about.
So the next time you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath and ask:
- What are the facts?
- What am I assuming?
- Is there another way to look at this?
You might be surprised at how much clarity you gain when you step back and check the facts.
If you’re ready to get started with the Anchor Team, your first step is here.